Mind your Manners with Miss Conduct

Is it polite to say “Bless You” to a sneezing atheist? Rhonda Abrahams answers that and more!  To listen to the inteview.

Robin Abrahams is the “Miss Conduct” columnist for The Boston Globe Sunday Magazine and writes the “Socially Scientific” column for Annals of Improbable Research. A research associate at Harvard Business School and a former stand-up comedian, she holds a doctorate in psychology. She lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Robin’s book, MISS CONDUCT’S MIND OVER MANNERS helps us navigate today’s dizzying social complexities.

Robin says following the “rules” isn’t enough anymore. We have to think. Auniform code of conduct may have worked in the days when everyone agreed on the same set of priorities, but we live in a multi-cultural society with many religions, nationalities and races intertwined. In today’s diverse offices, health clubs, dog parks, and soccer fields, manners aren’t enough—we need to use our minds. And as a result, the multitude of cultural shifts within the past few decades has left us in etiquette limbo! Here are some tips from Robin:

1. You Are What You Eat: Food
• Take people at their word: If someone says they cannot eat shellfish, they cannot eat shellfish. No need to probe. Just accept, respect, and move on
• Be a good guest with personal food rules: Don’t be coy, embrace the awkwardness of food rules and recognize that not every host may be able to accommodate you.

2. Mad (About)Money: Finances
• Learn your own comfort level when it comes to handling personal questions about finances
• Listen for the question behind the question: Perhaps your friend is wondering whether the salaries at your company are competitive because he’s applying for a job there. Respond along the lines of, “I don’t like to talk about my own finances, but I can say that generally they pay pretty well and I am happy to give you the HR contact, if you’d like”

3. Happy Holidays: Religion
• Be human, not divine: for believers and nonbelievers, admit your doubts when you have them—it makes your faith, or your lack thereof, all the most impressive
• How to be a believer among nonbelievers: don’t act as though your religion is an allergen or addiction

4. He Said, She Said: Sex and Relationships
• You can no longer assume that men are to desire and women are to be desired, everyone is straight, the third date is the inevitable “booty date”, everyone wants to get married, and that old people are “past” sex.
• To hold the door or not to hold the door: gendered etiquette and what rules still apply

5. Mother May I?: Children

• Be respectful toward parenting techniques that differ from your own

6. Private Parts: Health
• Be  polite around the sick: being mindful around minor and major ailments, being mindful around hospitalized folks, and helping effectively
• Take people with disabilities at their word: respect what they say they can and cannot do

7. The Best Friend: Pets and Other Passions
• If you’re a total pet-lover, don’t expect that everybody is on the same page as you. Don’t force others into petting your dog and don’t come off as a people hater
• Don’t make snarky comments about the pets of childless people being “child substitutes