Dr. Scott Haltzman and The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity
After twenty-five years of research and clinical work, Dr. Scott Haltzman debunks the infidelity myth and reaches some astonishing, even revolutionary, conclusions about it in his book THE SECRETS OF SURVIVING INFIDELITY:
“Flame addiction.” The chemical rush, cravings, and after-the-fact guilt of a new conquest can be a powerful draw, like a moth to a flame, without regard to the cost. But they don’t excuse philandering and poor impulse control.
Virtual infidelity. Because the Internet gives us 24/7 access to a digital ocean of potential mates, infidelity is on the rise. Learn acceptable online behavior, keep Facebook friendships at bay, and establish texting rules with pals of the opposite sex.
The NOD is a no-no. It’s an acronym for the three elements that lead to infidelity: Need, Opportunity, and Disinhibition. Understand them and steer clear of trouble.
Time is no buffer. The chances of cheating go up each year you’re together. Among the 60+ crowd, 28 percent of men and 15 percent of women have had at least one indiscretion.
Affair-proof your marriage. Love matures, but it doesn’t have to grow old. Discover how to keep your relationship fresh.
The secrets. Learn the four steps to ending an affair; five principles of apology; four guidelines for recovery; and one rule to a happy marriage.
Infidelity is treatable. And trust can be rebuilt.
Dr. Haltzman’s Tips:
- Establish certain boundaries between yourself and “attractive friends,” and do not share intimacies with them.
- The most common reaction from someone who has been found to be having an affair is to clam up and withhold information, but the best way to heal from an affair is to maintain total transparency.
- The most common place affairs happen is at work; draw a line between being “close” with a colleague at work and being intimate” with him or her.
- People often look for an apology before doing enough self-exploration; before you seek an apology, ask yourself, “What are the ways I have hurt my mate and our relationship?”
- There is a whole range of emotions that people feel when they have an affair, from rage, to shame, to isolation, to despair. Virtually any emotion that you feel is normal, and sooner or later you will need to share these emotions with your mate.
Many people apply the golden rule to their relationships, doing for their mates what they would want. The secret to a happy marriage is doing what your partner would want for him or herself.
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